honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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