i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
