And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
