i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
