If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize