3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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