foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize