1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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