News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
