Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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