yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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