She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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