how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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