I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
