When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
