I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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