I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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