2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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