he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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