Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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