Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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