he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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