its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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