You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
