I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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