I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
