remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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