you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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