i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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