a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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