He disabled his match.com account in front of me
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
