the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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