You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
