So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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