When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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