then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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