true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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