My underwear smells like fireworks.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
