idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize