I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
