True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
