Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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