i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
