I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
