Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
