I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
