i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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