I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
