Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
