it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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