i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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