my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
