He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Come share oat with me in your robe
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
