I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
