I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize