That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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