I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
