Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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