i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
