bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
