I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
