After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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