Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize