What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
