every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize