I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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