I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
